Defensive Communication

I do not remember of an example as fresh as this to illustrate levels of confirmation and disconfirmation.  While I was working on this assignment on Sunday night, the family that lives just above our house had guests.  It was 9.00 pm in the night and their children were playing and running at the top of their spirits.  Since our houses are wooden, if someone runs or dances upstairs, the ceiling actually shakes and the sound effect is double downstairs.  My children were not able to sleep because the sound upstairs was really disturbing.  I started getting a headache, so I called the lady to keep it low as it was too late for such noise.  Forget about acknowledging that they were being noisy, this lady told me to adjust as she had guests.  I don’t think she knows the word endorsement because she refused to recognize, and acknowledge in the first place.  I got in defensive mode because instead of accepting and saying sorry, she started preaching me about her kids and the guests.  I was not in a mood to hear her justification, so I told her to keep it low with a thank you and put the phone down.  They are instances when they have created nuisance before, but this time it was too much to take it quietly.

Confirmation vs Disconfirmation

Before I get on the question for the post, I want to define Recognition, Acknowledgment, and Endorsement.

• Recognition: Recognition means recognizing that another person exists.
• Acknowledgment: Consideration of what another feels, thinks, or says.
• Endorsement: Accepting another’s feelings or thoughts.

Yes! I do find it difficult to confirm others when I disagree with them. My way of showing disconfirmation especially at home is keeping mum and refusing to express any feelings on the disputed topic.

Frankly if I do not get along with a person then I ignore him because that way I do not trouble myself, or feel guilty of something I have not done.  I do not recognize them or confirm them as people.  But I must say that these are very few people and I do not recognize them because there are genuine fundamental reasons to do so.

However all other times, I consider about other’s feelings, thought and ideas and I teach my kids to behave the same way too.  Acknowledgement starts at the very basic level by saying “Thank You,” and “Sorry” to every known or unknown person who helps us or is hurt by us.  For example if someone holds the door for you, or you bang into someone unknowingly. 

Whereas endorsing means responding positively to someone’s say.  For example comforting someone when he or she is feeling low.   

The ineffective expression of emotions

Three most common forms of ineffective emotional expression

·      Speaking in Generalities: Means making general statements, which do not convey the speaker’s real feelings. Eg. I feel bad, I am happy, I am sad.

The reason for speaking in generalities is often times the limited emotional vocabulary that restricts our ability to communicate with others.

·      Not owning Feelings: Means holding someone else responsible for our own emotions. Example: 1. You make me angry, you hurt my feelings, and you made me fall down. 2. We are in this disaster because of you, see what you got me in.

Not owning feelings is a way of accusing someone else, which is one of the most common obstacles to effective expression of emotions.

·      Counterfeit Emotional Language: Means using language that seems to express emotions but does not actually describe what a person is feeling.

Example: 1. Why are you not leaving me alone? This statement does not convey if the speaker is angry with the person in front, frustrated, irritated or it is just a casual question. 2. What is on your mind after all?

Fallacies in Interpersonal Communication

The fallacies of interpersonal communication discussed in chapter 7 are:

1.     Perfectionism

2.     Obsession with should

3.     Overgeneralization

4.     Taking responsibility for others

5.     Helplessness

6.     Fear of catastrophic failure

Yes I do reflect some of these fallacies in my interpersonal communication. I think a lot about how others will feel if I say something. Accordingly I try to modify my say and so end up in saying things opposite of what I intended to say. So “taking responsibility of others” often reflects in my interpersonal communication. Also sometimes stress makes me talk otherwise, which is another fallacy of “perfectionism” that shows in my communication. To overcome these fallacies and change my interpersonal communication style, I will try the “self talk” method suggested in the book. Self-talk makes us aware of the fallacy in our communication. Further in response to our say we can reframe the sentence to challenge the irrational thinking that undermines us and win over our fallacies.

Emotions

Emotions are defined as our experience and interpretation of internal sensations as they are shaped by physiology, language and social experiences. Our perception is based on variation in interpreting these three experiences. The external stimuli that triggers physiological changes mixed with the subjective perceptions that shape the external phenomena are one of my most contributing perspectives of emotion. If I am scared or I am hurt or I see anyone physically hurt, my heart starts pounding and my body shakes. But my heart pounds similarly when my name is announced on the stage for winning the first prize. So I think external trigger with my own perception of that event raises my emotional level. I also believe that our awareness towards what is considered appropriate for that moment is highly responsible for our emotional outbursts. Like I see couples getting married are radiating happiness, and all smiles in the western culture. But in the olden days according to Indian culture, a bride who is getting married is not supposed to laugh and smile as much because that gives a wrong impression that she knows the bridegroom before marriage and this suspicion can raise doubts about her character. Also the brides in the marriage feel unhappy for leaving their family and getting into their husband’s new house. This example depicts different types of emotions related to subjective perceptions of events as per cultural norms.